At a recent campaign stop in northeast Philadelphia, Governor Sarah Palin used her spiritual powers to heal a young child. Four-month-old Nathaniel Dockman, the son of Tracy and Joe, had a fever for nearly a week before being taken to a McCain rally for treatment.The cause of the fever is unknown, though experts suspect either witchcraft or the flu.  Nathaniel’s parents said they did not consult a doctor, as they are Christian Scientists and do not believe in medical treatment.

Tracy told reporters, “It’s just a miracle.  Nathaniel will survive because of this amazing woman.  We considered taking Nathaniel to Michael Cera, but we had no way of finding him.”

While Michael Cera’s powers are born out of his self-deprecating humor, Palin’s healing ability seems to draw strength from her small-town values and ‘you betcha’ mentality.

Joe just smiled and explained, “We don’t know where she gets it from. All we know is that Sarah was the right choice for our child, and will be the right choice for our country.”

In other news Joe The Plumber Pissed At Palin for taking union jobs away from UPMC health Care Workers.

In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.

With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.

Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.

Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.

At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.

This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.

What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.

Source: Wekly World News.

IS it over between John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth? “The wedding band is missing,” the Washington Post reported yesterday after covering a speech the cancer-stricken mother of two gave in DC on Monday night. Edwards, the former North Carolina senator who ran for president twice, finally acknowledged three months ago that he had an affair with campaign videographer Rielle Hunter. He denies he’s the father of Hunter’s baby girl, although he has been spotted visiting mother and child. A source said Edwards is no longer living with Elizabeth and that the couple have separated. But reps for Elizabeth Edwards did not return calls and e-mails.

A FIRE at a US nuclear missile launch site burned itself out and was undetected for five days, US military sources say.

However the May 23 fire, which lasted an hour or two, never threatened to accidentally launch a  Minuteman III missile or release radiation.

The fire was only discovered on May 28 when a repair crew went to the the launch site about 160km northeast of Denver, in the southwest of the US, because a trouble signal indicated a wiring problem.

The fire was started by a faulty battery charger and burned a box of shotgun shells, a shotgun and a shotgun case that were kept in the room, US Air Force Major Laurie Arellano said.

Halloween and its avalanche of candy are here, making it the worst time of year for children’s teeth, right?

Not necessarily, says a dentist who contends that parents can make a big difference by monitoring when their kids eat their sweets.

“Parents need to know that frequency is far more important than amount when it comes to taking in” sugars, said Dr. Mark Helpin, acting chairman of Temple University’s Department of Pediatric Dentistry. “It’s not how much we eat but how often we eat these kinds of things that will place us at increased risk of dental decay and cavities.”

But worse than cavaties, are food allergies, According to the AAAAI, parents of children with food allergies should do the following:

• Before Halloween, ask your neighbors to give out safe snacks, even distributing some to them to hand out specifically to your child.

• Be aware that the smaller candy bars usually passed out to trick-or-treaters may have different ingredients than their regular-size counterparts.

• Teach your child to politely refuse offers of home-baked goodies like cookies or cupcakes.

PennDOT is reminding motorists that the inbound Parkway East will be completely closed this weekend between Monroeville and Exit 9 (Greensburg Pike).

Crews are planning to complete work on the bridge that carries the Parkway over Route 130.

Traffic will exit at Churchill straight onto Penn Avenue and re-enter the inbound Parkway East from the Penn Avenue on-ramp.

But inbound traffic will remain in a single lane after re-entering the inbound Parkway East to the Edgewood Swissvale Interchange.

Because of the closing and the severe restriction, PennDOT is advising drivers to avoid the area.

The work was originally scheduled to occur last weekend but was canceled due to inclement weather. If the necessary work can be completed this weekend, this will be the last full closure needed on the Parkway East this construction season.

But PennDOT also warned that it doesn’t mean it is the last weekend of work on the highway. There will still be lane closures and other restrictions on the Parkway East for several more weeks.

No mainline outbound work is scheduled this weekend.

World markets rose Friday amid stock buying from pension funds balancing their portfolios at the month’s end and a general sense that share prices may have hit a bottom. Asian shares had earlier closed mostly lowerThe Dow Jones index of leading U.S. shares was up 88.72 points, or 1.0 percent, at 9,269.41 despite further dreadful U.S. economic data.

Britain’s FTSE 100 index was 85.69 points, or 2.0 percent, higher at 4,377.34 despite a 19 percent plunge in the share price of telecommunications company BT PLC after it issued a profits warning.

Meanwhile, the CAC-40 in France was 79.25 points, or 2.3 percent, higher at 3,487.07. Germany’s DAX saw the biggest gains, having underperformed the other indexes all week. It was 118.67 points, or 2.4 percent, higher at 4,987.97.

Concerns about the global economy were stoked further Friday after the Commerce Department said U.S. personal spending fell by 0.3 percent last month, the biggest decline since June 2004. Combined with flat readings in both July and August, it led to the worst quarterly performance in 28 years.

And the Chicago Purchasing Managers Index, a measure of manufacturing activity, fell to a reading of 37.8 — much worse than the 48.0 figure that analysts anticipated. But the University of Michigan’s consumer sentiment data came in at 57.6, slightly better than the 57.5 expected.

However, Wall Street’s reaction to the data was minimal given the downturn had already been priced when it was revealed Thursday that the U.S. economy contracted by 0.3 percent in the third quarter of the year.

J.M. Smucker Co. is adding workers and joining a major stock index on the strength of its upcoming acquisition of Folgers Coffee.Smucker shares rose 5% Friday after Standard & Poor’s said it would add the company to the S&P 500 index next week.

The northeast Ohio jam and jelly maker will add 150 to 200 jobs in the next year to the 1,300 at its headquarters in Orrville.

Smucker will gain another 1,250 new employees, mostly at four plants in New Orleans, Kansas City, Mo., and Sherman, Texas, as part of the Folgers deal. Before the merger, Smucker had about 3,500 employees.

The Smucker-Folgers merger is expected to close on Thursday. Folgers is being acquired from Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble in an all-stock deal valued at $3.3 billion.

Information from: Akron Beacon Journal, http://www.ohio.com

Two 19th century shipwrecks have been found at the bottom of Lake Erie.Explorers say they believe the first wreckage belongs to the Riverside, a 133-foot, two-masted schooner built in 1870 in Oswego, N.Y., that was lost Oct. 13, 1893, about 25 miles north of Cleveland.

A second schooner also was found. Dive team member Dave VanZandt says said it could be the Plymouth, a 101-foot schooner built in 1847 in Huron, Ohio, that sank June 22, 1852, about 25 miles north of Lorain.

Investigators will try to confirm the names by looking for a number assigned by the government and carved into a midship beam.

The discovery by the Cleveland Underwater Explorers was announced Thursday in conjunction with the Great Lakes Historical Society in Vermilion.

Information from: The Morning Journal, http://www.morningjournal.com

Thousands of Phillies fans are lined up 10 deep along downtown sidewalks as excitement builds for the city’s first championship parade in 25 years.The World Series-winning Philadelphia Phillies are to be showered with brotherly love and confetti during the 90-minute procession from the heart of the city to the sports complex in South Philadelphia, about four miles away.

SEPTA says its commuter trains are overwhelmed and are having to bypass stations as they haul thousands of riders to Philadelphia. PATCO train stations in southern New Jersey are also jammed, with fans standing in long lines to buy tickets.

The parade begins at noon at 20th and Market Streets, heads east six blocks to City Hall and then down South Broad Street to the stadium complex.