by newsroom — published on October 31st, 2008
At a recent campaign stop in northeast Philadelphia, Governor Sarah Palin used her spiritual powers to heal a young child. Four-month-old Nathaniel Dockman, the son of Tracy and Joe, had a fever for nearly a week before being taken to a McCain rally for treatment.The cause of the fever is unknown, though experts suspect either witchcraft or the flu. Nathaniel’s parents said they did not consult a doctor, as they are Christian Scientists and do not believe in medical treatment.
Tracy told reporters, “It’s just a miracle. Nathaniel will survive because of this amazing woman. We considered taking Nathaniel to Michael Cera, but we had no way of finding him.”
While Michael Cera’s powers are born out of his self-deprecating humor, Palin’s healing ability seems to draw strength from her small-town values and ‘you betcha’ mentality.
Joe just smiled and explained, “We don’t know where she gets it from. All we know is that Sarah was the right choice for our child, and will be the right choice for our country.”
In other news Joe The Plumber Pissed At Palin for taking union jobs away from UPMC health Care Workers.
by newsroom — published on October 31st, 2008
In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.
With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.
Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.
Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.
At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.
This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.
What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.
Source: Wekly World News.
by newsroom — published on October 31st, 2008
IS it over between John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth? “The wedding band is missing,” the Washington Post reported yesterday after covering a speech the cancer-stricken mother of two gave in DC on Monday night. Edwards, the former North Carolina senator who ran for president twice, finally acknowledged three months ago that he had an affair with campaign videographer Rielle Hunter. He denies he’s the father of Hunter’s baby girl, although he has been spotted visiting mother and child. A source said Edwards is no longer living with Elizabeth and that the couple have separated. But reps for Elizabeth Edwards did not return calls and e-mails.
by newsroom — published on October 31st, 2008
A FIRE at a US nuclear missile launch site burned itself out and was undetected for five days, US military sources say.
However the May 23 fire, which lasted an hour or two, never threatened to accidentally launch a Minuteman III missile or release radiation.
The fire was only discovered on May 28 when a repair crew went to the the launch site about 160km northeast of Denver, in the southwest of the US, because a trouble signal indicated a wiring problem.
The fire was started by a faulty battery charger and burned a box of shotgun shells, a shotgun and a shotgun case that were kept in the room, US Air Force Major Laurie Arellano said.
by newsroom — published on October 31st, 2008
Halloween and its avalanche of candy are here, making it the worst time of year for children’s teeth, right?
Not necessarily, says a dentist who contends that parents can make a big difference by monitoring when their kids eat their sweets.
“Parents need to know that frequency is far more important than amount when it comes to taking in” sugars, said Dr. Mark Helpin, acting chairman of Temple University’s Department of Pediatric Dentistry. “It’s not how much we eat but how often we eat these kinds of things that will place us at increased risk of dental decay and cavities.”
But worse than cavaties, are food allergies, According to the AAAAI, parents of children with food allergies should do the following:
• Before Halloween, ask your neighbors to give out safe snacks, even distributing some to them to hand out specifically to your child.
• Be aware that the smaller candy bars usually passed out to trick-or-treaters may have different ingredients than their regular-size counterparts.
• Teach your child to politely refuse offers of home-baked goodies like cookies or cupcakes.
